What God might be trying to teach me...

I read a blog this morning by Ryan at thisisreverb this morning that really seems t convict me and make me dig deeper regarding my self-centered loneliness this week.  Ryan asked his readers me to try to pinpoint

What is God doing in your life right now?
What has God been teaching you?
If you were God, what would YOU be trying to teach you?

I learned alot about myself last year.  When your husband is diagnosed with cancer and undergoes 6 months of chemo and radiation and as a couple you decide to try to, and do successfully become pregnant (in case chemo damages your chances) you all of the sudden, without a doubt KNOW what is important.    It was reaffirmed to me that God is working in my life and was/is/has been with us throughout our lives.  I know without a doubt that I love my husband and he loves me, and that this is the core of my life and what I need to focus on.  Add to that core our handsome, now one year old son who is the sunshine in my days.  At our wedding, David's paternal grandparents told us to remember that it is us and God against it all.  We no longer rely on our families or friends.  I have good memories from last year.  It was hard.  Chemo was miserable for David.  I did not enjoy 4 months of morning all day sickness and losing 15 lbs in the process.  However, on the other side of it now, David and Lincoln are healthy; David is cancer-free; I am a lucky wife and mom!

This year, maybe God is reminding me to be contented with my own company.  Maybe God wants me to stand alone with David and Lincoln and be ok with that.  I crave friendships, communication and maybe even attention?  I also think that I am learning that I need to do nice things because I want to and not because if I do people will spend time with me.  It's hard because in alot of ways, I sometimes feel like I should be available for my friends and willing to do whatever whenever, but for how many years do I cook, bake and do for people whatever they ask. Maybe I need to find someplace to serve?  Someplace to give, someplace that needs me like I need to be needed?  <--- That felt like hitting the nail on the head.  Hm.  I am getting closer here maybe. 

It feels wrong and ungrateful to sit here and type that I feel unwanted and whatever else that is lying beneath the surface. 

I am grateful for my husband and my son.  I love our life and spending time with them.  I feel extremely incomplete when I am not with them. <--- There it is again, nail on the head!

I am going to read this again later and see if I have come up with any other conclusions... We'll see.