I

I am:


I think:

I know:

I have:

I wish:

I hate:

I miss:

I fear:

I hear:

I smell:

I crave:

I search:

I wonder:

I regret:

I love:

I ache:

I am not:

I try:

I believe:

I dance:

I sing:

I cry:

I fight:

I lose:

I never:

I always:

I confuse:

I listen:

I can usually be found:

I need:

I am happy:

I imagine:

Content Context is King.

Have you ever gotten into a fight with a family member or friend?  How did it start?  Was it something you did?  Was it something you said?  How did you handle it?  Has someone stopped talking to you and as far as you know everything should be fine?

In recent years I have been accused, chagred, tried, convicted, found guilty and sentenced  judged twice for saying things, only for one little bit of what was said and not the context of what was said or the actions and events that lead to me saying the wrong thing.

These events have caused some very hurtful things to be said of and about me.  These things I said, without the benefit of context make me seem like a pretty awful person.  When I realized what was being thought by people I cared about (and thought they cared about me) I was very hurt.  How can someone who knows me assume that I would think, say and do anything to hurt anyone else.  I know that the other person(s) were hurt by what I said, and for that I have apologized to them.  However, I don't understand why we no longer give someone the benefit of the doubt, trusting who we know them to be and try to find out what really happened rather than tossing friends out.  These events involved people who were supposed to have known me, trusted me, loved me.  And just like that....

I don't know about anyone one else, but I am not perfect.  Not even close.  I can only do my very best, everyday, with what comes my way.  I make mistakes, certainly say the wrong thing and put my foot in my mouth more often than I'll ever care to admit.  I have made a deal with myself that if, in the future, I feel like something big, such as the situations vaguely referenced above come along again I will fill my friends in of the situation surrounding the wrong thing and apologize.  I will not get caught up in explaining myself over and over again or changing the entire situation.  There are things to be learned from every uncomfortable moment.  It's not just me that needs to take a step back and learn. 

I wonder if the other parties in these situations still continue to blame me or if, some how, they've discovered not that they were wrong, but there are certainly other perspectives to explore and better ways to deal with things than blaming someone else for the entire circumstance.

It's been a long time, but I need to be here.

It's been a long time since I have blogged. 

2010 was a year of big change for me. It was a very difficult year for me.  In ways I am still realizing and in ways I believe I ignored for most of the time.

A new job. Co-worker left.  Cycled through 3 candidates before finding someone to work with.

David turned 28 - but thought he was just 27 two months later! Funny conversation!

Lincoln turned 2. Lincoln is a big boy. There is no baby in my house.


I am Erin.  I am struggling.  I am very weird places in my head.  At this point I am spending a lot of time looking forward.  Begging for time to go faster.  Which in my mind is the most counter-intuitive and ridiculous thought when considering one of my largest goals should be to be present and attentive when I am with Lincoln. 

2011 is hopefully what will be a immense year for our family. I am going to continue working at a accounting firm, hopefully conquering my first tax season. I will be working some overtime Mon-Thurs. and every other Saturday.  This will limit my time with Lincoln in the evenings and is something I am thoroughly dreading.  David will complete school and hopefully find a job in the computer industry.

In many ways as I look forward, I feel like I am in a flux, just waiting to get this next 8 months over with to see what's next for our family! We are waiting for David to get a job. Waiting to get better insurance. Waiting to move into a bigger place, maybe even in a new zip code. Waiting for the right time to add someone new to our family.  Waiting.

I need to be here, writing, getting my thoughts out.  So I will be back this week with some goals and plans that will hopefully help us get through the next 8 months, or better yet, lets start with our first goal of the year: Counquer Tax Season 2011.  Survival until April 15.

And because you survived this crappy post about nothing, here's an adorable picture of Lincoln.
Consider yourself rewarded :)

We are here, We are breathing.

It's been a crazy summer.  We've been to Roanoke, VA, Camp LaJune, NC and Boston (area), MA.  We've been to the pool, the park, the zoo and I've been to a John Mayer concert - YAY!!!

Lincoln is 20 months old.  He is brilliant!  He sings ABCs, counts, shapes, sings along with me, repeats everything, can throw a baseball 10-15' and loves a baseball bat.  He still loves to read and lives to watch Elmo, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Handy Manny.  He loves music and insists on listening to John Mayer's 'Heartbreak' when we get in the car. He loves kisses, hugs and knows how to give noses, noggin', and knuckles.  He really enjoys being around extended family and knows who everyone is.  He really enjoyed our trip to Massachusetts and was a wonderful little traveller.  I have made him an album of his extended family members.  He is obsessed and knows who everyone is- and that's saying something since he had 4 sets of grandparents! 

I love Lincoln!

David is still working hard and doing very well at school.  He has a fraction more than a year left and we are already praying that he will find a job in his field. 

I am doing well, I like my new job, but still miss my old job.  I don't think that will change, especially because I had the opportunity to have family to work with, not just co-workers.

Life is busy, wonderful and crazy!  Just how we like it! 

BIG Changes

Well I have a new job.

I was laid off from the position is had been in for 6 years.  It was super sad, because we were like family, and not personal but because it was done because it was best for the company in this still crappy economy.

I worked for an additional two weeks, completing as much as possible and getting my office manager, my "work-mom", as ready as possible.  While there wasn't enough work for us both, it will be a lot of work for one person.  During that time I was also applying for jobs, sending resumes (totalling 50 by the end) and interviewing. 

I have found a position in a very busy office.  I worked Thursday and Friday last week and tomorrow starts my first full week.  I would describe this job as fast-paced, detail oriented and definitely a constant buzz of work to be done. So we're all adjusting at my house and we'll have to see how we fall into the rhythm. I have to be at work earlier and during a certain season there will be required overtime. I am very optimistic and everyone is every friendly, so this should be awesome!  I think its a very good fit, but definitely an adjustment getting used to a busy office again, but everything goes so fast the day really flies and I love that!

My blogging will hopefully get more regular as I figure out my new schedule... we'll see.

The Sweetest Boy.

Lincoln makes every day worth taking the next step.  He makes me smile wider, laugh harder and my heart fuller than I ever imagined it could feel.  I am a better me because he and David are the loves on my life!

The word of the week is school bus.  We notice them and point at them all the time.  We have turned around the carseat and Lincoln is taking in every new sight and experience.

Tonight, a half hour ago, I was dancing in the kitchen, singing a little song I made up when I used to babysit.
'I love you and
you love me too, too, too.
I love you, and,
you love me too-o.'

When I stopped singing Lincoln started!  "I yuv you", so I said and you love me too too too, "I yuv you" and you love me too-o.   GAH!  Help me that was awesome and so suh-weet! 

My cup runneth over and over.  We are so blessed to have such a sweet affectionate darling BOY!  He is all boy, running, tumbling, busy, but also exuberantly loving.  We are so blessed.

Finding the sweet spot.

I am in a good place right now.

I seem to be finding my niche in it all right now.

I am joyful and content where I am right now.

Feelings like this are sometimes fleeting.  I want to remember this.

I need to remember how wonderful it is to be in love with my husband and to adore our son.
I need to continuously remember how blessed we are to be healthy!



There are so many things every single day that try to distract from this feeling I have.  Friendships in flux.  Expectations others place on me that I cannot meet.  Deadlines I will not achieve.  Bills I forget to mail, so I pay online ;) Dishes stacked in the sick and dust piling on the mantle.  I may not have time for twice weekly visits to the grandparents.  My toes may not have been painted in a month :(  I may not have returned too small pants that have been in my car for two weeks and shirts hanging on the door for a month :( 

I give myself a break, tell myself I work all day and need to see my son in the evenings.  I need to spend time with my little family of three from Friday at 5 until Monday at 9.  And while this is undoubtly selfish, I know I will never in my life regret the time I spend with my husband and son. 

So I have my peace and my joy and my loves!  I have taken the time to be splashed in the bath tub.  I have stroked my boys warm head and sung him to sleep.  I have played cars and read books and explored grass and discovered birds and gotten dirt under my finger nails and colored pictures and watched Elmo.  :D  I have watched silly videos on youtube, cuddled up for a movie, made muffins just for him, put away his socks.

I am me, I am David's wife and I am Lincoln's mom and now these titles in my life come first! and it's sweet!

Milestones

Lincoln seems to be crashing through a milestone a minute lately.

You are of course walking, running, now climbing, sliding, talking and repeating, dancing...

You have never needed a security object.  You aren't yet attached to a blanket or stuffed animal. 

You gave up the pacifier, un-prompted, at 9 months.  Just stopped taking it and wanted nothing to do with it.

It took a long time for us to get you interested in a sippy cup.

At 17 months old, you still have a morning, nap and bedtime bottle.
This weekend we are going to try to stop the morning bottle, trading it for a cup- we'll see.
You like your bottle and its the first thing you ask for in the morning after Dada.

You are still a baby, and most certainly MY BABY.  I am completely ok with still cuddling up and giving you a bottle.  I am completely ok with having you sit still for a moment so I can cuddle you, smooth your hair, rub your head, touch your sweet face. 

While there are still many milestones that will be accomplished, and we are joyous and proud at each one, I cherish each day I can love you as my little baby boy who fits perfectly in my arms and upon my lap and overflows the confines of my heart.  I love you sweet boy!

Lincoln - 17 Months!

Lincoln, love, you are 17 months old.  You are busy, constantly going, moving, running, playing!  You captivate me and capture my attention in little things you do every day.

You are enthusiastically affectionate.  You blow kisses with the exuberance and force of hurricane winds.

You are a sweet mimic.  You copy every word we ask you to say.  When I ask you, What does Lincoln say?, your answer is "Huh?"  Its so funny!

You are becoming a comedian and like to make us laugh, repeating funny words or making a weird sound until we are falling over laughing at you.

You like Elmo and Sesame Street, but we fast forward until Elmo is on.  You like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Handy Manny.  You like the songs on these shows and sway and dance to theme songs and things like the hot dog dance on MMC.

We are working with you with numbers, colors, shapes, and ABCs already.  If we say one, you say TWO! You repeat the colors when we point them out. Red, Blue, Yellow, Green, Orange and Purple.

You say Sky, Tree, Car, Outside, Bye Bye, Home, Oh no, Uh oh, Dog, Doggie, Cat, making all animal noises still, Bath, Teeth. You point to your nose, mouth, hair, ears, teeth and belly button.

Lincoln, you love routine.  When you wake up you ask for your bottle.  When its time for bed we change your bottom, put on your jammies, brush your teeth ( you love to brush teeth).  Then we go upstairs and rock and you drink your bottle of milk and when you are done, you hand us the bottle and give a kiss and say BED! 

You love to be outside and you like to go bye bye.  You and I went to the mall last weekend and you were perfect.  Just sing-songy through the store saying 'shopng, shopng' and if I asked you if you liked something you said uh-huh!  You are a perfect personal shopper!

You are trying new foods all the time.  You like queso at the Mexican restaurant, sloppy joe's, spaghetti, green beans cooked w/ bacon, corn bread, angel food cake.  You know that I have a candy dish at work when Dada bring you and you share a hersey kiss with us.

Lincoln Update

Lincoln today you are 16 months, 2 weeks old.

Eat

Chicken Nuggets, Fish Sticks, French Fries, Green Beans, Cucumbers w/ Ranch, Bananas, Apple, Apple Sauce, Crackers, Cookies, Vanilla Pudding, Vanilla Ice Cream, Ham, Spaghetti, Sloppy Joes, Grilled Cheese, Shells & Cheese, Yogurt, Oatmeal, Pancakes, French Toast,
 
We let you try whatever we're having. You like fruit alot, but don't have much interest in veggies and spit them out. 

Sleep

You go to bed around 8pm, give or take a half hour on a normal night.  You sleep through the night and wake up around 7:30 or 8 am.  You sometimes coo in your sleep and we hear you over the monitor.  Sometimes the monitor is nice and othertimes it makes us completely paranoid.
Our evening routine is pretty simple.  We read books and watch Sesame Street throughout the evening, I wash your hands and face, change your diaper, put you in your pajamas and we grab a bottle from the fridge.  We go upstairs and you drink your bottle, I'll sing you a couple songs and when you're done with your botttle you give it to me, give me a kiss and I put you in your crib, cover you up and leave the room.
The nap routine is exactly the same as the bedtime routine.  We usually put you down around 1pm and you sleep anywhere from 1.5-3 hours :)

Play

You like to climb and slide, you love the new toy climber we got.  You also like the basketball hoop on the side and to crawl beneath it.  You like to play with bowls, spoons and baking pans in the kitchen while we are cooking.  You LOVE to be outside. Coming in is one of the only times we see you throw what could be called a tantrum.  You love to explore, walk down the street to get the mail. You love to swing at the park, and don't usually want to leave there either. 
You can show us your nose, ears, hair, eyes, mouth.
Gives high fives, noggin', kisses, blows kisses, fake sneezes, fake coughs, says Boo to surprise us.
Claps after a song is over or whenever he hears clapping on TV or a live song on te radio.

Talk

Cracker, Cookie, Sky, Tree, Car, Apple, Bubble, Hot Dog, One, Two, More, Hey Baby, Mama, Dada, Grandpa, Dee, Ally, Matthew, Hi, Bye-Bye, Night-Night, Morning, Up, Elmo, Abby,
Animal Noises for dog, cat, horse, cow, sheep, duck, owl, lion. 

I know I am missing some, this kid is going to talk just like his mom.

Love

Books, Baths, Brushing your teeth (playing with the toothbrush), being outside or climbing, being tickled, Elmo

Lincoln, I don't think that your dad or I could love you more than we do!  We also like you a lot and are really enjoying seeing your out-going, friendly and happy personality come through on a daily basis.  You are very sweet, smart and  funny little dude.  I was really pleased to see you go up and give a baby at daycare noggin' today -  you see babies already and give them your toys, rather than take them, and laugh with them :)

Still here.

I am still here.
We are still here. 

This week is the first week of a new term.  The last 10 weeks have been very demanding, school wise, for David.  He had had hours of homework on the weekends and not been getting home until 11pm four nights a week :(

This is a new term.  David only has one class this 5 weeks, he's only gone 2 nights a week.

Its adjustment.  While its wonderful that he's home, I forget what I do usually and don't know what to do when he's around.  We're going on a date. On a week night. This week!  Crazy. Wonderful!

I am already anticipating the adjustment on the other end of this 5 weeks.  You know, the one when he's gone ALL the time, again! :p  not looking forward to that at all. 

And just for balance, while it's great that he is home, its not because eventually he will have to make this time up.  They don't have a class for him this term, either he's already taken what is being offered or he hasn't completed the pre-requistes.  This is a 2.5 year program; so the negative would be that the class off adds 2.5 weeks onto the end.  We have done this definately two, maybe three times.  Hopefully they'll get it together and help David continue moving forward towards graduation.

Lincoln is awesome, I am going to do an update on him soon, so I'll save it.

I am good too.  Enjoying my time with David and seeing Linc show us how smart and out-going he is everyday.  Work is good, hoping things will continue to get busier in the construction industry in the coming spring and summer months.

Sweet Sixteen (months)

Happy Birthday, Sweet Sixteen Months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Testing out the Climber

I think you can see, we LOVE the climber! 

We helped Lincoln and he figured out the climbing side in no time.  He tries to climb the slide, but we take his hand and show him the other side.  He dances on the landing too : )

It's in the living room for now and will go outside soon, but I need to get something to put at the bottom of the slide so he doesn't scrape his bottom.

Couch Climber

Lincoln can get onto the couch now.  He has been doing this for almost 2 weeks.

It's a challenge.  You know, I am always excited to see Lincoln learn new things, but he makes me anxious.  I worry he will fall down, he gets fussed at and told to sit on his bottom all the time. 

Hopefully playing on his climber/slide toy will give him something to do other than climb my couch and drive me crazy.

A New Toy

Photo Credit: Toys R Us

The we ordered Lincoln a big and special present!

It arrives tomorrow and I am hoping David will have time to build it when he gets home from school.

Lincoln loves being outside!

Lincoln loves basketballs, baseballs, footballs, soccer balls, play ground balls!

Lincoln loves to slide!

Lincoln LOVES to Climb!

I think Lincoln is going to love this!

Weekend Recap

Friday: Target run for outdoor toys for Lincoln!  Dinner at Moe's! Started laundry, played, gave Lincoln a bath.  David put Lincoln to bed and then working on a paper for school for three hours.

Saturday: I let David sleep in; got up with Linc and we watched Sesame Street.  He can say Elmo and love when Elmo is on TV.  Played outside.  Lincoln took a 2 hour nap, I took a 1.5 hour nap and David worked on his paper.  Lincoln played outside some more.  David picked up Subway for dinner.

Sunday: David let me sleep in, he made french toast w/ a 12 grain bread- I did not like the texture of the bread and seeds, etc. in the bread. YUCK!  Boys played outside, I continued working on the laundry and took a shower.  David moved the back yard for Linc.  We washed the front windows, sprayed the screens, and washed cars.  Linc and I watched and Linc ate goldfish.  Linc took a two hour nap.  I am not sure how I managed to waste that time :)  We ran to Wa.l-M.art to get groceries and found a bucket to hold Linc's outside toys.  I made steaks, mashed potatoes and mushrooms for dinner.  Somehow I forgot a veggie :( I need to get better about that.  Played duplo, ball and climb everything for the rest of the night.  I put away laundry and sorted Linc's clothes that are too small or too warm for spring.  David gave Linc a bath and put him to bed.

I am all good!

The last post has been written for a while and I decided it was time to put it out there. 
It is absolutely not in response to anything currently going on with anyone.

We had a good day just hanging out today.  Linc is loving playing outside and pushing his toy lawn mower.
Lincoln also began saying BUBBLE today out of nowhere.  We have no idea where he picked it up, but were blowing bubbles for him for a half hour tonight :)

David has alot of homework this weekend.  For some reason each of his teachers think his life revolves around the class they teach.  So let's not take into account that he has a full time job, 2 classes, a son, a wife....  He has spent 8 hours on homework this weekend, working when Lincoln goes to bed and is napping.

It's just a season... just a season in our lives.  This will be nothing when we look back 60 years from now!

Baggage

I’m standing in a calm corner of a busy airport baggage claim.
The normal hustle and commotion seem to cause the floor beneath my feet to vibrate.
I am alone.

A bell sounds, a light flashes and the conveyor begins to move.

My grandma told me to tie a yellow ribbon to my bag to help me find it in the sea of identical bags that will soon come down the conveyor belt.

Each bag has a yellow ribbon, tied neatly onto the handle.

This is all my baggage.
I am alone.

There were no other passengers on this flight.

This is where I come to claim my baggage.

I begin looking at the address tags labeled childhood, loss, anger, bitterness, joy, fractured friendships, love, broken promises, lies, God.

Wait!
Why is God in a suitcase?
How did he get there?
Who put God in a suitcase?
I did.
I am alone.

In the last ten years, after many disappointments I began to try to find a way to cope.

I have witnessed a splintering divorce, my own failures when attempting college, met the love of my life, fought to tread water and keep afloat, married the love of my life, stood by my 25 year old love as he fought and won his fight with cancer, and become the mother of our precious son and bloomed into the family core I had always dreamed of. I have also made and lost friendships, tried to navigate a slippery and cracked relationship with my parents and siblings, stood by as three of my beloved grandparents went on to Heaven and have tried to bury my head and heart as I am losing another to dementia.

I have accumulated a lot of baggage.


I wish I had known that putting God in the suitcase would just magnify my frustration.

I am working on me. I am working on me so that I can be better for my love and our son.

I am not alone. GOD is here. I am breaking the cracks of the walls that I have put up. Somehow in all this period of trying, and failing, to protect myself the only one I held out was GOD. I was unable to protect myself from the hurt and failure. I am unable. HE IS ABLE.

This is not being written to blame any occurrence in my life for the way I feel today. I am writing this to remind myself that all of these events helped to make me who I am, all the good parts, what I like about myself and to help me focus being more of that.

Right now I am struggling with anger.
Right now I am struggling with bitterness from my past.

Right now, God offers me grace.
Right now, I am trying to apply grace to the wounds I am feeling.
God’s Grace describes ‘unmerited forgiveness’. He forgives when we don’t deserve it, probably especially when we don’t deserve it. God’s Grace is invaluable, priceless and if we were to attempt to try to earn it, we’d fail.

I am not writing this because I am living it. I am writing this because I am trying to live it. This is head knowledge for me and not heart knowledge.

The Meaning of Life

My friends Dave's Facebook Status: “Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming—WOW! What a ride!”

My Facebook Status: I think life is all about priorities and perspective. For me my family of 3, our health, our time together and finding our joy every day are number 1!!

Abraham Lincoln: Most people are as happy as they make their minds up to be.

Albert Camus : You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.

Albert Schweitzer: Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

C.S. Lewis: Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.


Kin Hubbard: It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness. Poverty an' wealth have both failed.

Martha Washington: The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances.

Thomas Jefferson: The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.

I find my most peaceful time are in the hectic, run of the mill, regular days spent with David and Lincoln.
I don't care at all about money, except where it relates to having a roof over our head, food on the table, transportation, diapers for our little one, and some to have fun with now and then.  Bills are a part of our lives and right now I am doing a great job of paying many down at a rapid rate.  However, it is not my goal to ever be rich and that's good because its probably not going to happen ;).  My goal is to contribute and provide for my family and make memories doing fun things.
I am grateful for my husband and our marriage.  We are both very aware that this season in our lives is a lot to deal with sometimes, but we have great hopes for David's career in the future with computers.  Having him be a full-time electrician and a full-time student, and of course, a full-time dad makes him incredibly busy. Although I miss him, I am totally proud of the way he is tackling things and still managing to help me.  There has never been a question, we are a team, and equal partners at that and I feel so lucky to be his wife!
I am really enjoying this time in our lives and really looking forward to the bright future David is working towards.

C.S. Lewis: God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

Here's his sign...DUH!

David's cousin gave birth to her second and third children in January, adorable boy/girl twins.  Mom, Dad, first son and twins live in Massachusetts. Let me tell you, I cannot wait to get up there to see them, but it won't be until the summer. 

So... Last week we receive a cute birth announcement for the twins, dressed in blue and pink, and I hand it over to David.

David: So are they identical?
Erin:  Really, David?!?!?
David: What?
Erin: What did you just ask me?
David: Are they identical?
Erin: Think about it, babe.
David: What?

Hint: Boy/Girl twins are NOT identical.  One is a boy and the other is a girl ;)

Poor David, it really showed that he's been working 8 hrs., then going to school for 4 hrs. Sometimes obvious slips through the cracks- but I got a good laugh out of it :)