Content Context is King.

Have you ever gotten into a fight with a family member or friend?  How did it start?  Was it something you did?  Was it something you said?  How did you handle it?  Has someone stopped talking to you and as far as you know everything should be fine?

In recent years I have been accused, chagred, tried, convicted, found guilty and sentenced  judged twice for saying things, only for one little bit of what was said and not the context of what was said or the actions and events that lead to me saying the wrong thing.

These events have caused some very hurtful things to be said of and about me.  These things I said, without the benefit of context make me seem like a pretty awful person.  When I realized what was being thought by people I cared about (and thought they cared about me) I was very hurt.  How can someone who knows me assume that I would think, say and do anything to hurt anyone else.  I know that the other person(s) were hurt by what I said, and for that I have apologized to them.  However, I don't understand why we no longer give someone the benefit of the doubt, trusting who we know them to be and try to find out what really happened rather than tossing friends out.  These events involved people who were supposed to have known me, trusted me, loved me.  And just like that....

I don't know about anyone one else, but I am not perfect.  Not even close.  I can only do my very best, everyday, with what comes my way.  I make mistakes, certainly say the wrong thing and put my foot in my mouth more often than I'll ever care to admit.  I have made a deal with myself that if, in the future, I feel like something big, such as the situations vaguely referenced above come along again I will fill my friends in of the situation surrounding the wrong thing and apologize.  I will not get caught up in explaining myself over and over again or changing the entire situation.  There are things to be learned from every uncomfortable moment.  It's not just me that needs to take a step back and learn. 

I wonder if the other parties in these situations still continue to blame me or if, some how, they've discovered not that they were wrong, but there are certainly other perspectives to explore and better ways to deal with things than blaming someone else for the entire circumstance.

Still here.

I am still here.
We are still here. 

This week is the first week of a new term.  The last 10 weeks have been very demanding, school wise, for David.  He had had hours of homework on the weekends and not been getting home until 11pm four nights a week :(

This is a new term.  David only has one class this 5 weeks, he's only gone 2 nights a week.

Its adjustment.  While its wonderful that he's home, I forget what I do usually and don't know what to do when he's around.  We're going on a date. On a week night. This week!  Crazy. Wonderful!

I am already anticipating the adjustment on the other end of this 5 weeks.  You know, the one when he's gone ALL the time, again! :p  not looking forward to that at all. 

And just for balance, while it's great that he is home, its not because eventually he will have to make this time up.  They don't have a class for him this term, either he's already taken what is being offered or he hasn't completed the pre-requistes.  This is a 2.5 year program; so the negative would be that the class off adds 2.5 weeks onto the end.  We have done this definately two, maybe three times.  Hopefully they'll get it together and help David continue moving forward towards graduation.

Lincoln is awesome, I am going to do an update on him soon, so I'll save it.

I am good too.  Enjoying my time with David and seeing Linc show us how smart and out-going he is everyday.  Work is good, hoping things will continue to get busier in the construction industry in the coming spring and summer months.

Weekend Recap

Friday: Target run for outdoor toys for Lincoln!  Dinner at Moe's! Started laundry, played, gave Lincoln a bath.  David put Lincoln to bed and then working on a paper for school for three hours.

Saturday: I let David sleep in; got up with Linc and we watched Sesame Street.  He can say Elmo and love when Elmo is on TV.  Played outside.  Lincoln took a 2 hour nap, I took a 1.5 hour nap and David worked on his paper.  Lincoln played outside some more.  David picked up Subway for dinner.

Sunday: David let me sleep in, he made french toast w/ a 12 grain bread- I did not like the texture of the bread and seeds, etc. in the bread. YUCK!  Boys played outside, I continued working on the laundry and took a shower.  David moved the back yard for Linc.  We washed the front windows, sprayed the screens, and washed cars.  Linc and I watched and Linc ate goldfish.  Linc took a two hour nap.  I am not sure how I managed to waste that time :)  We ran to Wa.l-M.art to get groceries and found a bucket to hold Linc's outside toys.  I made steaks, mashed potatoes and mushrooms for dinner.  Somehow I forgot a veggie :( I need to get better about that.  Played duplo, ball and climb everything for the rest of the night.  I put away laundry and sorted Linc's clothes that are too small or too warm for spring.  David gave Linc a bath and put him to bed.

I am all good!

The last post has been written for a while and I decided it was time to put it out there. 
It is absolutely not in response to anything currently going on with anyone.

We had a good day just hanging out today.  Linc is loving playing outside and pushing his toy lawn mower.
Lincoln also began saying BUBBLE today out of nowhere.  We have no idea where he picked it up, but were blowing bubbles for him for a half hour tonight :)

David has alot of homework this weekend.  For some reason each of his teachers think his life revolves around the class they teach.  So let's not take into account that he has a full time job, 2 classes, a son, a wife....  He has spent 8 hours on homework this weekend, working when Lincoln goes to bed and is napping.

It's just a season... just a season in our lives.  This will be nothing when we look back 60 years from now!

Baggage

I’m standing in a calm corner of a busy airport baggage claim.
The normal hustle and commotion seem to cause the floor beneath my feet to vibrate.
I am alone.

A bell sounds, a light flashes and the conveyor begins to move.

My grandma told me to tie a yellow ribbon to my bag to help me find it in the sea of identical bags that will soon come down the conveyor belt.

Each bag has a yellow ribbon, tied neatly onto the handle.

This is all my baggage.
I am alone.

There were no other passengers on this flight.

This is where I come to claim my baggage.

I begin looking at the address tags labeled childhood, loss, anger, bitterness, joy, fractured friendships, love, broken promises, lies, God.

Wait!
Why is God in a suitcase?
How did he get there?
Who put God in a suitcase?
I did.
I am alone.

In the last ten years, after many disappointments I began to try to find a way to cope.

I have witnessed a splintering divorce, my own failures when attempting college, met the love of my life, fought to tread water and keep afloat, married the love of my life, stood by my 25 year old love as he fought and won his fight with cancer, and become the mother of our precious son and bloomed into the family core I had always dreamed of. I have also made and lost friendships, tried to navigate a slippery and cracked relationship with my parents and siblings, stood by as three of my beloved grandparents went on to Heaven and have tried to bury my head and heart as I am losing another to dementia.

I have accumulated a lot of baggage.


I wish I had known that putting God in the suitcase would just magnify my frustration.

I am working on me. I am working on me so that I can be better for my love and our son.

I am not alone. GOD is here. I am breaking the cracks of the walls that I have put up. Somehow in all this period of trying, and failing, to protect myself the only one I held out was GOD. I was unable to protect myself from the hurt and failure. I am unable. HE IS ABLE.

This is not being written to blame any occurrence in my life for the way I feel today. I am writing this to remind myself that all of these events helped to make me who I am, all the good parts, what I like about myself and to help me focus being more of that.

Right now I am struggling with anger.
Right now I am struggling with bitterness from my past.

Right now, God offers me grace.
Right now, I am trying to apply grace to the wounds I am feeling.
God’s Grace describes ‘unmerited forgiveness’. He forgives when we don’t deserve it, probably especially when we don’t deserve it. God’s Grace is invaluable, priceless and if we were to attempt to try to earn it, we’d fail.

I am not writing this because I am living it. I am writing this because I am trying to live it. This is head knowledge for me and not heart knowledge.

The Meaning of Life

My friends Dave's Facebook Status: “Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming—WOW! What a ride!”

My Facebook Status: I think life is all about priorities and perspective. For me my family of 3, our health, our time together and finding our joy every day are number 1!!

Abraham Lincoln: Most people are as happy as they make their minds up to be.

Albert Camus : You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.

Albert Schweitzer: Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

C.S. Lewis: Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.


Kin Hubbard: It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness. Poverty an' wealth have both failed.

Martha Washington: The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances.

Thomas Jefferson: The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.

I find my most peaceful time are in the hectic, run of the mill, regular days spent with David and Lincoln.
I don't care at all about money, except where it relates to having a roof over our head, food on the table, transportation, diapers for our little one, and some to have fun with now and then.  Bills are a part of our lives and right now I am doing a great job of paying many down at a rapid rate.  However, it is not my goal to ever be rich and that's good because its probably not going to happen ;).  My goal is to contribute and provide for my family and make memories doing fun things.
I am grateful for my husband and our marriage.  We are both very aware that this season in our lives is a lot to deal with sometimes, but we have great hopes for David's career in the future with computers.  Having him be a full-time electrician and a full-time student, and of course, a full-time dad makes him incredibly busy. Although I miss him, I am totally proud of the way he is tackling things and still managing to help me.  There has never been a question, we are a team, and equal partners at that and I feel so lucky to be his wife!
I am really enjoying this time in our lives and really looking forward to the bright future David is working towards.

C.S. Lewis: God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

Public Service Announcement Ahead

I am going to try to get much better about posting here on my blog. 

I need to do more posts on Lincoln and what he's up to these days.

I need to use this blog as a journal and outlet for some thoughts I am working through right now.

There are going to be some deep, introspective posts in the coming weeks.

If you are reading, and are a member of my family, please understand that this is my journal where I process my thoughts and feelings. Please do not take anything personal or be offended; there is no reason to, this ins't about anyone other than myself.  No one is, or will ever be, referred to personally.  I am processing events in my life that effect who I am today and how they relate to me daily in my life, my marriage and in being a mom. 

I am trying to figure out how to deal with some of the feelings that bother me.

This is my life. The Chronicles of Craziness.  The perfection of imperfection.

I want to be the best I can be, most importantly where is effects D and Linc, so I am going to delve into these issues.  I think processing them here will help me be that best version of me.

Thanks!

Making Goals... Being Held Accountable

There are some habits that I want to start and to hold myself to.

1. Work out.  I have Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and I have time to do it after Lincoln goes to bed.
2. Declutter the House.  Including table surfaces, closets and drawers.
3. Clean. Implement and Stick to a House Cleaning Routine.
    Daily - Make beds, Do Dishes,
    Monday- Clean Bathrooms
    Tuesday- Maintain Laudry (Fold and PUT AWAY!)
    Wednesday - Clean out Refrigerator, Trash
    Thursday - Clean Kitchen
    Friday -
    Weekends- Dust, Sweep, Mop, Vacuum, Laundry (Put away Linc's Laundry)
4. Take better care of myself.  Drink Water, Use Chapstick, Apply lotion ( I get heat rash on my arms every winter), Last. Dentist? Yuck.

Tips: I have seen that some mom's lay out their kids clothes for every day at the beginning of the week.  This would really help me with the morning scramble, so I will begin this on Monday, Feb. 22.

Longer-Term Goals:  

Plant small garden, especially basil for pesto- oh, how I love pesto, YUM!

Play outside with Linc this summer. I am an indoor girl, but I need to commit to this. Go to the pool, playground, walks...

Give hand/home made gifts for Christmas. Strawberry jelly, Pesto, homemade ornaments, art by Lincoln, etc. Only buying for children this year to minimize costs and stress.  Christmas can be a very wonderful time or stressful time and I am making the decision early to try to focus on Christ as the center for Christmas and my little brother, nephews, niece and Lincoln having a happy Christmas.  You know, if they're having a marry Christmas we will too : )

A Little Perspective, please.

Optimist?  Half Full? Susie Sunshine?
Pesimist? Half Empty? Eeyore?

I also believe in another category. The ostrich; he/she sticks their head in the sand, scared, but pretending that nothing bad will happen. My husband calls this army tactics, that if you can't see the bad guy, that bad guy cannot see you. While we call it different things, we agree that these coping tactics rarely work.

Realist.  There is water in the glass. Fact.

I didn't find out that realism was an option until my senior year of high school.  I liked the idea of focusing on what is rather than worrying about all the gloom and doom or thinking it would all work our perfectly. 

I appreciate the optimists, pesimists and ostriches in my life. The help me be real.  They help me to have perspective in this crazy world. 

It is important for us all to remember on days of work set-backs, sick children, mac and cheese for dinner, car accidents, being stuck in traffic... that life isn't all that bad. Keep in mind that work is just work and can be better tomorrow, illnesses will pass, dinner will be better another day and your commute will be lighting fast on the way home.  Problems, irritants, frusterations and stress can often go depart as quickly as they arrive.  For work, I try to start fresh everyday, either with a clear desk or plan of attack for the next day.  For traffic, I stop listening to radio reports and turn on a favorite CD (worship songs, John Mayer, Kelly Clarkson, Colbie Callait) and go somewhere else in my head.  I was getting really angry for a couple evenings and really didn't like that about myself, especially knowing that Lincoln is in the car with me in the mornings.  I got an i.Pod shuffle for christmas and bought myself a car adapter so I just need to load it up and it will be my traffic solution.

I know that God has a plan for my life and the lives of my husband, son and our families.  I also know that trials, stuggles, adversity, poverty, pain, illness, sadness, brokenness, etc. are part of the human condition. It's those times that should bring us closer to our God and our faith. 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Not cut out for this.

Lincoln is teething... or sick... or teething

David had some side work to do yesterday.  Oh yes y'all!  We're re true romantics over here.  I was at home covered in snot and tears and David was working, boots covered in mud, and frusterated he couldn't figure something out.  All is well, he took care of the issue and only has a couple more things to do and he will be done with side work for a while.  We totally appreciate the opprotunity, although it has been hard to have a grateful heart sometimes.  We knew for a long time that this job would come along for David, but never thought he would also be in night school, 4 nights a week, working towards a bachelors degrees when it came time.  It isn't easy to be grateful all the time, but I think we've done a good job.  We are very excited for the people David is doing the work for and think they will enjoy their home when it is complete.  It is a big opprotunity for David to wire a house and has been a learning experience for sure, and I am very, VERY proud of him!

We are united in making sure that we don't take our family time for granted.  It has been our plan since David began night school and this is just one more reminder of how precious our weekends are.

Lincoln is a bit of a mess today, and well, yesterday too.  I think he is cutting two top teeth.  His nose is running like a faucet, and he is coughing this evening too, he has been very clingy and sensitive.  He was given meds for pain relief when he seemed to need them.  Just so you don't think he's too sick, he managed to tear apart the living room, all his toys, and all of my DVDs no less than 4 times today.  He has been busy.  No less thirsty, but eating about half what he does normally.

I am not cut out for 2 days at home alone with a teething/sick toddler by myself.  I love Lincoln- I told him constantly today- I held him when he'd let me, wiped his nose and tears : (  He was mad- that's where I become confused and feel inadequet.  Sometimes he didn't want to be held or comforted.  Just wanted to let out how mad he was and maybe even that he hurt.  It is so hard to not be able to comfort him and have him talk and tell me what I can do.  He did not nap well yesterday and today.  My neighbor had someone over who left two pitbulls in their turck for two hours and the barking woke and kept Lincoln up - I was pretty pissed- I knew he needed sleep.  He was in bed at 7:20 tonight. 

I hope he feels better tomorrow.  I hope David is around to be my partner in crime next time; I am so grateful that we are a team!  Today was a long day, and while we had moments of laughing, cuddling, and learning new words (like,  Gotcha) it is more fun if I know he doesn't hurt/feel like crap.

Warning: This is an honest blog.  If you don't like it, are offended by it or feel the need to say anything snotty you can leave.  Just go on ahead and click that little X in the top, right of your computer and don't look back.

If you can relate and understand, please keep on coming back! :)

Update for Family & Friends 2.9.10

David had a check-in today with his oncologist and everything still looks great! He had a chest x-ray last week and they did blood work today and everything is normal :D He will be seen again in 3 months and then we move on to appointments every 6 months!!

We took Lincoln with us today and David's doctor and nurses just love him there, he shows off some, but mostly is quiet, making sure we know he is not our trained puppet and never, ever performs on command.
Lincoln is 14 months old and a busy ball of energy! He is walking, but mostly running; talking: he can say ma-ma, da-da, tree, car, shoe, hat, ball, ba-ba, cracker (cah-cah), apple, grandpa (ba-pa) and more. He also does baby sign language for more, all done, and cracker. Lincoln also can make animal sounds for a cow, horse, sheep, dog, duck and lion. His latest thing he is doing is picking up his large toys and carrying them around, displaying what we call 'feats of strength'. He will pick up anything for my hand weights, his little people parking garage, his little couch, a storage ottoman that holds his toys.... He is lot of fun, very happy, very busy, super affectionate... you get the idea- Lincoln is awesome and we're loving every stage :D

David is still going to night school (in addition to his day job), working towards a degree in computers (Simulation, Modeling and Game Design). He has been going for nearly 10 months now and is maintaining a 3.7 GPA. He will finish sometime around the end of 2011. Our jobs continue to go well and we are hopeful that jobs will pick up and we will be busier this year. I am doing well, enjoying keeping up with my guys. I am looking into getting a better camera for myself to better capture Lincoln's busy life and build a photography hobby.

26

My birthday is this week.  I am 26. 

I think this is the beginning of the sweet spot in my life.  Hopefully it lasts for years and years to come : )

I love the life David, Lincoln and I are building and enjoying together everyday!  I enjoy my time with them more than I can say.  David and I have a great relationship; lots of talking, laughing, cuddling & TV watching.  Lincoln is growing so much every day.  I try very hard to soak up the time I have with him every day.  He is awesome, and while there is the compulsion to wish we could 'stop time' and just try to capture his wonderful ways in my memory and pray that I remember in the years to come. 

David and I have some big goals this year to lessen our debt and we're already tackling that in a big way.  We're also looking into trading his small 'cross-over' car for an SUV to better suit our needs with Lincoln.  We're looking into getting a fancy DSLR camera to help us take better pictures of Lincoln and 'capture' more family moments : )

This year didn't begin for me on New Years; it begins for me this week and I am very much going to enjoy 26!